From bump to baby, to baby with bump

If only my only worry that day was going to be how I would get through an entire day without seeing my baby.

On Monday 3rd April I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock for the first time in 9 months,(and no I don't mean my little human alarm clock that cries for her morning bottle). It was time for me to return to work and I was in bits. It was with a heavy heart and full on tears and snots that I had left Maisie with her granny the night before in order to start my first day back at work fresh and ready. I had thought that with all the anxiety and worries I had about returning to work and being able to step back into a role that didn't involve singing nursery rhymes and changing dirty nappies, that most of my worries about Maisie would be singing a soft tune in the background. But I was wrong.

For the most part of the day I found myself wandering about aimlessly not knowing quite what to do with myself. I felt like I had completely forgot how to work, like all my previous abilities had gone. If I'm honest I felt lost. My arms were missing the weight of my baby, my clothes were missing vomit or breakfast remains and my heart was missing Maisie. By 11.30 I thought there was no way I was going to make it to 6 to see her little face. My mind kept thinking back on the past 9 months and all our little days spent just the two of us and it filled me with both joy and sadness. What I wouldn't give to relive those 9 months again, (especially now). 

I did manage to stick it out though and at 5.45 I was skipping out the back gates with an excitement I will never forget. Go me!! I survived!! When I arrived to collect Maisie I embraced her so quickly and I genuinely could have cried with relief to see her face. But that's when the worries about my day seemed very insignificant to what lay ahead.

My mother-in-law asked me, 'have you noticed anything different about Maisie's tummy?' What?? When she told me that she noticed her tummy to be rather enlarged I first of all thought its nothing. Maisie is a very finely made up little thing, she has long thin limbs but has always had a well rounded wee tummy. But when she was adamant that something seemed unusual I laid Maisie down, stripped off her clothes and took a look. Honestly, my heart actually stopped beating for a minute. On her tummy was a significant lump protruding from her left side. It was obvious, large and hard. I tried to play it cool and not over react. I have a tendency to be 'a glass half empty' person and I couldn't allow the thoughts that initially came into my head take over me. We discussed that first thing in the morning I would get an emergency appointment at the doctors and if that wasn't possible I would take her straight to hospital to get her checked. I cant speak for my in-laws but I think that on some level we all knew something big was coming.

That night I never slept a wink. Its funny how all the worries I had about work, the mistakes I had made when I was there and the anxiety about how I would do it all again were gone. Replaced instead with worries about what was happening to my baby. How did I not notice the lump before? Was it there yesterday? Last week? Did I just miss it? How could I not know there was something wrong with my girl? What is it,  what is it,  what is it???

Part of me wishes I never knew because I could never have been prepared for what was about to come the next day and my heart has been breaking every day since. 


Wendy