I've said it before, how everyone feels in different ways and everyone heals in different ways, and it's so true. Even though my husband and I are facing the exact same thing and we are both in this together, we are coping in two very different ways. For me, I wear my heart on my sleeve. For me, I cry almost on a daily basis and on the days where I manage to hold the tears back, I do so barely. I find it difficult to see past any of this, to think of anything other than my little girl who is battling a life threatening disease. All my energy and focus is on her, all day, everyday, and I can't change that. For me, that's what I need to do. My husband on the other hand, is your typical man, (not meaning to be sexist here). Although I know his heart is also broken and he too is devastated for our little girl, he rarely talks about his feelings and he rarely shows his emotions. Instead he focuses on being practical, keeping busy, making plans and looking to the future. All the things I can't do.
One of the plans my husband had was to give something back to the haematology and oncology outpatients clinic where Maisie gets her treatment. This clinic in the Royal Belfast Hospital for Sick Children has provided Maisie with the best care that we could possibly receive for her, they have given her a fighting chance and are doing everything they can to save her life. For that, we will always be indebted to them, we will be forever thankful. So my husband decided that he wanted to organise a raffle and raise money for the Children's Cancer Unit Charity.
When he told me this I thought it was a great idea, a heart warming gesture and I knew the clinic would be delighted and use the money to continue helping other families like us. I was fully behind him when I thought he was meaning to do this once Maisie was better and all this was behind us, but he wanted to do it right away. I struggled with this at first. I was conflicted by wanting to help the charity and to support my husband, but I also knew I didn't have the energy. I physically and mentally couldn't offer any more of myself than what I was already giving to Maisie, and I felt guilty that I wasn't able to be more excited about it. I was frustrated at my husband for wanting to add more pressure on us at this time and I could feel myself becoming resentful. No matter how 'strong' I may appear through all of this I am struggling everyday, I am always scared and anxious and it takes all my strength to get through each day. I was becoming resentful that my husband was able to get up everyday and appear 'normal'. That he wasn't struggling, that he had time and energy to focus on other things. I started to feel like I was alone in this, like I was the only one feeling the pain of it all, like no-one understood, not even my husband.
People often say that going through difficult times can bring you closer together as a couple and it can strengthen your relationship, but I see how it can so easily go the other way. This was the first time in our marriage that I felt like we were on different pages, that we were moving in separate ways and it was difficult to accept. My husband and I have faced difficult times before but this was really testing us.
After some honest talks together, I realised that all those times when I needed to cry, to be upset, to be angry or frustrated, my husband was there to offer his arms to comfort me. He was there to give me his shoulder to cry upon and to wipe my tears. While I was focusing on Maisie he was there keeping all the practical things together, paying bills and keeping us a float. I realised that even though he doesn't like to dwell on the negative side of things, that he likes to see the positive in all situations and focus on the good, he allowed me the time to share my fears. I realised that him not crying everyday like me, or not talking about everything cancer was not him not feeling or not caring, it was him being strong. It was him being strong and holding it together because I couldn't, and someone needed to. I realised that just because he was dealing with everything differently from me, didn't mean it was wrong. It didn't mean that he didn't feel the pain, he didn't feel the stress and devastation. He just had his own way of coping. A way that I needed to understand and accept, like he had done with me. Keith needed to do this raffle, he needed something to do,something positive to keep his mind occupied, so I got behind him. "Real giving is when we give to our partners what's important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it, or not." Michele Weiner-Davis. I supported his decision to get stuck in and organise the charity event.
My husband started off by mentioning to a few friends and family what he had planned to do and the support he got from them was astonishing. Each person took time out of their days to contact local businesses to see if anyone would be interested in offering some prizes to raffle off. The response they received was truly remarkable, we were blown away by the generosity of people, the kindness of strangers and the caring nature of humanity in general. Prizes were rolling in. There was everything from an overnight stay at the Slieve Donard, to professional teeth whitening, to meal vouchers, to gym memberships and personal training sessions, to expensive bottles of champagne, the list was extensive. By the time all the prizes were in there was a total of 107 ready to raffle. I would like to take this opportunity to say a massive thank you to all those individuals, business owners, and companies that donated those much appreciated prizes, it was incredible.
Again, my husband enlisted some help from friends and family to sell raffle tickets and everyone rallied. Knowing where the money was going to, what they were supporting, and the prizes that were available, the tickets sold quickly and in huge amounts. Again, we were amazed at peoples generosity and I again want to thank those individuals who took the time and responsibility to sell the tickets and to all those who purchased. This whole thing couldn't have been done without you all.
On the final count, my husband (alongside all those who helped him make it possible), managed to raise an amazing total of £4,300. Seeing what my husband had achieved, seeing him so motivated by doing something worthy and positive and seeing him so gratified with his efforts, I felt immensely proud of him. Proud of what he had done and proud to call him my husband. When it came to handing over the cheque to the clinic he wanted it to be in Maisie's name, he wanted it to come from her. He loves Maisie more than words can ever say and would do anything he could for her. Raising that money was his way of coping, his way of showing Maisie that he cared for her and his way of saying thank you to all those people in the clinic who are saving our baby girls life.
At this stage our journey was far from over and I knew that there would be many more days to come that would test us and push us to our limits. But I also knew that no matter how bad it got we would find a way to get through it, no matter how different our ways might be. When it comes down to it there is a love between the both of us, a love that encompasses respect, loyalty and understanding. A love that I know will get us through anything life has to throw at us.
One of the plans my husband had was to give something back to the haematology and oncology outpatients clinic where Maisie gets her treatment. This clinic in the Royal Belfast Hospital for Sick Children has provided Maisie with the best care that we could possibly receive for her, they have given her a fighting chance and are doing everything they can to save her life. For that, we will always be indebted to them, we will be forever thankful. So my husband decided that he wanted to organise a raffle and raise money for the Children's Cancer Unit Charity.
When he told me this I thought it was a great idea, a heart warming gesture and I knew the clinic would be delighted and use the money to continue helping other families like us. I was fully behind him when I thought he was meaning to do this once Maisie was better and all this was behind us, but he wanted to do it right away. I struggled with this at first. I was conflicted by wanting to help the charity and to support my husband, but I also knew I didn't have the energy. I physically and mentally couldn't offer any more of myself than what I was already giving to Maisie, and I felt guilty that I wasn't able to be more excited about it. I was frustrated at my husband for wanting to add more pressure on us at this time and I could feel myself becoming resentful. No matter how 'strong' I may appear through all of this I am struggling everyday, I am always scared and anxious and it takes all my strength to get through each day. I was becoming resentful that my husband was able to get up everyday and appear 'normal'. That he wasn't struggling, that he had time and energy to focus on other things. I started to feel like I was alone in this, like I was the only one feeling the pain of it all, like no-one understood, not even my husband.
People often say that going through difficult times can bring you closer together as a couple and it can strengthen your relationship, but I see how it can so easily go the other way. This was the first time in our marriage that I felt like we were on different pages, that we were moving in separate ways and it was difficult to accept. My husband and I have faced difficult times before but this was really testing us.
After some honest talks together, I realised that all those times when I needed to cry, to be upset, to be angry or frustrated, my husband was there to offer his arms to comfort me. He was there to give me his shoulder to cry upon and to wipe my tears. While I was focusing on Maisie he was there keeping all the practical things together, paying bills and keeping us a float. I realised that even though he doesn't like to dwell on the negative side of things, that he likes to see the positive in all situations and focus on the good, he allowed me the time to share my fears. I realised that him not crying everyday like me, or not talking about everything cancer was not him not feeling or not caring, it was him being strong. It was him being strong and holding it together because I couldn't, and someone needed to. I realised that just because he was dealing with everything differently from me, didn't mean it was wrong. It didn't mean that he didn't feel the pain, he didn't feel the stress and devastation. He just had his own way of coping. A way that I needed to understand and accept, like he had done with me. Keith needed to do this raffle, he needed something to do,something positive to keep his mind occupied, so I got behind him. "Real giving is when we give to our partners what's important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it, or not." Michele Weiner-Davis. I supported his decision to get stuck in and organise the charity event.
My husband started off by mentioning to a few friends and family what he had planned to do and the support he got from them was astonishing. Each person took time out of their days to contact local businesses to see if anyone would be interested in offering some prizes to raffle off. The response they received was truly remarkable, we were blown away by the generosity of people, the kindness of strangers and the caring nature of humanity in general. Prizes were rolling in. There was everything from an overnight stay at the Slieve Donard, to professional teeth whitening, to meal vouchers, to gym memberships and personal training sessions, to expensive bottles of champagne, the list was extensive. By the time all the prizes were in there was a total of 107 ready to raffle. I would like to take this opportunity to say a massive thank you to all those individuals, business owners, and companies that donated those much appreciated prizes, it was incredible.
Again, my husband enlisted some help from friends and family to sell raffle tickets and everyone rallied. Knowing where the money was going to, what they were supporting, and the prizes that were available, the tickets sold quickly and in huge amounts. Again, we were amazed at peoples generosity and I again want to thank those individuals who took the time and responsibility to sell the tickets and to all those who purchased. This whole thing couldn't have been done without you all.
On the final count, my husband (alongside all those who helped him make it possible), managed to raise an amazing total of £4,300. Seeing what my husband had achieved, seeing him so motivated by doing something worthy and positive and seeing him so gratified with his efforts, I felt immensely proud of him. Proud of what he had done and proud to call him my husband. When it came to handing over the cheque to the clinic he wanted it to be in Maisie's name, he wanted it to come from her. He loves Maisie more than words can ever say and would do anything he could for her. Raising that money was his way of coping, his way of showing Maisie that he cared for her and his way of saying thank you to all those people in the clinic who are saving our baby girls life.
At this stage our journey was far from over and I knew that there would be many more days to come that would test us and push us to our limits. But I also knew that no matter how bad it got we would find a way to get through it, no matter how different our ways might be. When it comes down to it there is a love between the both of us, a love that encompasses respect, loyalty and understanding. A love that I know will get us through anything life has to throw at us.
I would like to use this space to highlight a very wonderful thing that our church are doing. As it is the month of November, several male members of the church have decided to take part in the Movember challenge. For those of you who might not be aware of what this is, it is the attempt to grow facial hair in the fashion of a moustache. The church have decided that half the money that they raise this year will be going to the Children's Cancer Unit Charity as well as another charity that has touched their hearts. This gesture is very heart warming and it means a lot to us as a family that the church are wanting to support the charity that has helped our little girl.
The clinic are caring for children who are suffering from cancer and blood disorders and they are seeing around 50 new patients with malignant conditions every year. That number is scary, no child should have to face this. The Children's Cancer Unit Charity use any money received to fund necessary equipment and resources, including staff training and research to ensure that all these children can be treated and cared for.
It would mean the world to us, to the church and to the clinic for a show of support. I have included the link below for anyone who wishes to give a donation to a very worthy cause. There is only a week left to donate so please act fast.
Thank you.
Wendy.
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