Maisie is one

A child's first birthday is a momentous occasion, isn't it. It's a huge milestone in their little life and also in your journey as a parent. It brings so much excitement, joy, and mixed emotions to all the family. A feeling of wonder at how quickly an entire year has passed, that your little new born who you remember holding for the first time almost like it was yesterday, is now becoming a toddler. A feeling of deep unconditional love for your baby, a love so strong that you find it hard to remember all those years before when they weren't a part of your life, when they didn't have a piece of your heart. A feeling of complete amazement that you made it through the year as a parent after all that new mother fear of 'what do I do?' After all the tears, sleepless nights, severe doubt and lack of belief in yourself as a mother, that you have now found your feet. And also a feeling of astonishment that not only had you made it through, but so has your little one. That they too survived all your parenting fails and mishaps. They lived through the nappies being worn back to front, or the bottle being put into their ear rather than their mouth at those hazy 2AM feeds, and that they made it to their first birthday with no more than a few bumps or bruises. Like I said, a child's first birthday brings so many different feelings. I just never imagined that I'd be getting more emotions than I bargained for.

At the beginning of the year I had already begun to think about Maisie's first birthday even though it wasn't until July, but that's the way I was. I was a planner, a dreamer, always thinking ahead of all the things that we would do with our little girl, all the experiences and adventures we would have together. I had thought of having a party at the caravan with all our family and friends there to have a BBQ, to play outdoors in the paddling pool, to have fun at the park, and finish with some family fun and ice cream on the beach. Making it a day full of happy memories and one to always remember. But cancer took that dream away from us, replacing it with a devastating reality. For a stage, anytime I thought about Maisie's birthday I cried. I cried because every inch of my body ached with a fear that she wouldn't be here, that she would never get the chance to turn one. That my husband and I would never get to see our daughter reach this milestone.

 

Now that is hard to admit and even harder to accept, but when we were first given her diagnoses a little part of me thought that this was it. I've said it before, its the first thing you think when you hear the word cancer. I thought the worst would happen because the worst could happen. But as Maisie's birthday approached she was fighting hard. She was fiercely determined to live everyday and give us everything she had, a true little superhero. Also, it just so happened she was due a little break from chemotherapy. After having 8 consecutive weeks of chemo following her surgery, her body was in need of a short recovery before the next round started.

 

When we knew she would be having a break from chemo the doors opened slightly to the possibility of being able to celebrate, but, we were all too aware of the effects chemo was having on her immune system, and a little party may still not be an option. We decided to wait until the week of her birthday and see what her blood counts were like and go from there.

On the day of her bloods, our consultant told us what we wanted to hear. They were at a level which posed no added threat and he encouraged us to have a celebration for her. In fact, his words to us were 'live'. So when we got home instead of posting some pretty, formal, over the top invitations, I literally sent a text message to our family and to friends who lived close by, to say we were going to have a small gathering at our home for Maisie. I even added, if you are well come, if you aren't don't, (in the nicest possible way of course.) How's that for an invitation?

 

 

Over the next few days I got to making some decorations, trying my best to scrape together things I already had at home. It was fun, it brought out my creative side and I felt like these little decorations made everything more sentimental and meaningful, plus it kept my mind busy and occupied. I was trying hard to ignore the emotions that were building up inside of me, thinking that if I kept busy I would get through this OK.

 

On the morning of Maisie's party I woke with an excitement and also a feeling of urgency to get everything ready. My mother in law came out early and took Maisie out a walk in her pram to give me and my husband time to finish off decorating and to get the food prepared. As we stood in the kitchen talking about how we got to this day and remembering little things about what this year has brought us, it hit me. I pushed the little unicorn cutter through the sandwiches and just like that I realised what I was doing. I was making sandwiches for my little girls first birthday. We had made it this far. She was winning her fight, cancer hadn't stolen her from me. She was here. My girl was here.

 

After crying it out in my husbands arms I was ready to enjoy the day. I was ready to focus on the momentous occasion and give my little girl her party, for she truly deserved it. It wasn't easy though, I have realised that through this process, once one fear passes another one swoops in. But I didn't think it was the time to give space for the worry that this party was not only going to my daughters first, but also her last.

 

Once Maisie was in her party dress and her guests started to arrive everything just fell into place. My husband cooked up a storm on the BBQ, the sun stayed out for the most part of the day, the kids played in the garden chasing each other and my little girl was in her element. I watched her smile, I heard her laugh, and I saw her surrounded by people who loved her and cared for her and we all got to sing her happy birthday. Isn't that more than what you could hope for for your child's first birthday.

As the day came to an end my heart was full but the feeling was bittersweet. I was so thankful that we were gifted with a day like this. A day where Maisie got to have fun with other children, be a part of a group of people, open presents and eat cake, and be the centre of attention for a positive reason, it was beautiful. But unfortunately it wouldn't last. She would begin chemo again the next week, her bloods would drop and the threat of infection would increase. That day, amazing as it was, was a little reminder of all the things she misses out on and it hurts. Its not fair and she deserves more. I'm not sure if Maisie made a wish over her birthday candle that day, but I sure did. And I have never hoped for a wish to come true more than this.

Wendy.