Raising Maisie May

When I think of sunny summer days I think of going to the beach to build sandcastles, to splash in the sea, to eat ice cream and soggy 'sand'wiches. I think of days at Port enjoying the excitement of the amusements, strolling the promenade and having salty chips by the sea. I think of long, warm evenings in the garden having a BBQ with lots of friends and family, playing in the paddling pool and finding comfort and joy in each others company. I think of hopping on a plane and jetting off on an adventure to see the wonder and curiosity in my childs eyes at her new surroundings, relaxing and soaking up the rays as well as the quality time together that holidays bring. These are all the things I had dreamt of for our summer together, all the things I envisioned our little girl to enjoy and experience for the first time. But they were to remain just that. Dreams, visions, desires; none of which would be our reality. People have often said to me how strong I have been throughou...

"Like a wild flower; she spent her days allowing herself to grow, not many knew of her struggle, but eventually; all knew of her light." Nikki Rowe.   Until Maisie had a two week break from chemotherapy, I had never realised that I actually didn't know my own daughter. Not really, not the true little person she was. The Maisie I had come to know and love over the past year had been living with a secret struggle that noone knew about. Hindsight makes it easy to see that all those endless days and weeks that she spent crying, squirming and pulling her little legs up to her chest were not because of colic, silent reflux, constipation or any other 'normal' baby condition that we could blame. She wasn't just an unhappy, restless and irritable baby like we all thought, this wasn't just 'her wee way'. Unbeknown to everyone, this was cancer. All this time she had been fighting against the odds, trying to grow and develop while a cancerous tumour i...

A child's first birthday is a momentous occasion, isn't it. It's a huge milestone in their little life and also in your journey as a parent. It brings so much excitement, joy, and mixed emotions to all the family. A feeling of wonder at how quickly an entire year has passed, that your little new born who you remember holding for the first time almost like it was yesterday, is now becoming a toddler. A feeling of deep unconditional love for your baby, a love so strong that you find it hard to remember all those years before when they weren't a part of your life, when they didn't have a piece of your heart. A feeling of complete amazement that you made it through the year as a parent after all that new mother fear of 'what do I do?' After all the tears, sleepless nights, severe doubt and lack of belief in yourself as a mother, that you have now found your feet. And also a feeling of astonishment that not only had you made it through, but so has your little on...

Going through this cancer process with Maisie can at times be very isolating. We are restricted to where we can go, what we can do and who we can be around. Simple everyday things that we all take for granted are such a challenge for us and it can feel at times like we are missing out on so much while the rest of the world are moving along without us. I constantly see families going out for little adventures to the forest or zoo, going for coffee dates with their friends and little ones, having play dates at the park and creating wonderful and happy memories with their babies, and it secretly crushes me. As a mother it hurts to know that while other babies are out exploring the soft and cool feeling of sand between their toes, my little girl is at home playing with a bucket and spade and make believe sand. While other children are playing outdoors and getting dirt under their nails my baby is indoors playing with toys that have been cleaned with Dettol. The one that ...